This is some hard shit y’all.
So yesterday I did about the same as Saturday. Started late and drank slow…about half of what I would normally do. Ate and put myself to bed around 7:30. Not feeling drunk at all. Not even really buzzed. I read for an hour and a half until the light had faded from outside and my eyes were closing on me.
I snuggled in with my favorite fluffy comforter and drifted a bit, but I’ll be darned if I could get to sleep. For hours. I tossed and turned…drifted for a minute or two and then tossed some more. Long after my husband had come to bed.
Finally around one or so I took a hit of CBD vape and still had a hard time. I would finally start to fall asleep and would then jerk myself awake. I would say that I probably would sleep after that for about an hour at a time before something would wake me. Either myself or one of the dogs.
Of course once my alarm went off I was sleeping like a baby and didn’t want to get up.
Having said that, I still felt better rested this morning and today than if I had passed out drunk like I normally do on Sundays. I was not expecting that. I was expecting to drag today.
So other things of notice — In my bloodwork panel from last week, my doc told me that I was highly deficient in vitamin D. She gave me a script for some high dose vitamin D pills and I was going to start taking them today but the sheer dosage made me scared. (The irony that I can pound vodka on a daily basis just fine, but I am worried about a high dose vitamin is not lost on me here.) I am lucky enough to work at a place that sells holistic whole food supplements so I went looking for an alternative. I found a vitamin that contained 1600 iu’s of D per two pills and paired that with some magnesium capsules, I decided I would give that a chance. Apparently the Magnesium helps you absorb the D better.
So having said that, and having not drank as much as normal yesterday…I have to say that after taking those pills and getting into my work day, that I felt like a million bucks. My anxiety was GONE. I felt good.
I was of course cautious, because this hasn’t been my mood in a long time and it was very foreign to me. I felt…dare I say, happy? I was laughing and joking with my coworkers. Something I haven’t done much in the last two weeks. I didn’t even have to touch my CBD oil today.
This feeling lasted throughout the day. I felt like I was on a high. I couldn’t wait to get home and NOT drink.
That stayed with me until I walked through my front door.
You see my husband is at rehearsal tonight and that normally means I get the house to myself to imbibe and do things at my leisure. Not that I don’t normally, but I don’t have him around silently judging.
As soon as I walked in the house my brain said: “Oh Xay, just have one drink. It’ll be fine.” and the nerves were back. Not full on panic, and if I had been true to sticking with my plan I would have CBD’d and told my brain to fuck off. But that pull….that draw is so strong. It’s not even so much as physical. Although TBH, I did a lot of research today on withdrawls and what I will have to look forward to and it scared the piss out of me. But in full disclosure, I also remembered that two years ago we went on a two week trip overseas staying with relatives and I didn’t touch a drop the entire time. I was FINE. In fact it was probably the best vacation we have had together because I was engaged and we were filling our days with activities instead of holing up in a hotel to drink most of the evening away.
This isn’t easy.
I am determined to keep trying though. I’m hoping that with my hubby home tomorrow night I will feel more willpower. He knows that I am trying and he is totally my cheerleader without being preachy. He knows what I am going through. He’s been there. It helps a bit I think.
I still don’t plan on drinking to excess tonight, but it was hard not being able to sleep last night. I read somewhere today that that is the reason for a big percentage of relapses. Trying to get to sleep after simply passing out for so long is fucking difficult!
Hmph. So that is where I am right now. I’ve just made salads for our dinners and lunches tomorrow and I think I’ll fire up the telly to see what kind of documentary I can get lost in.
Tomorrow is another day.
This is some hard shit y’all.